Who Am I Am Who?

i lie tired and sick
i exaggerate my illness for sympathy
i enjoy my own pain and hope the worst for me
i am funny and sad
i am loud and sensitive
i am crude and i can't sleep
i think of love and death and art, nothing in particular, nothing and everything
i see such love and lust and desire and think only of myself
i do not like myself but i can't think of anyone better
i am a living breathing swearing sweating shitting fucking beautiful contradiction
i am the one who will see you for who you really are and i still love you gladly, for
i desire above all else to be loved too
i am worse than you will ever be, but
i am too selfish to part without you by my side, for
i do not wish to be alone
i do not wish to eat alone
i do not wish to eat well
i do not wish to eat at all
i do not wish to look away from your inadequacies
i do not wish to look away from mine
i do not wish to look at all
i do not wish to snort cocaine, but
i do not wish to live in pain
i do not wish to stop this now, but
i do wish my mind a peaceful slumber
i can afford that.

The Colours Are Bright and Grey

the colours are bright and grey
in
the dark room that
shone through shades of black
and deep electronic whirs
--
staring through the window
at the muted-green
glass office buildings
that crossed into the
smooth purple sky
and the christmas village with
snowy roofs and tangerine night-lights
--
computer speakers pulsating in rainbows
of blenders and distorted guitars
and pots and pans
and beautiful sharp yellow piercing
cries to earth
--
silhouettes of shampoo
and perhaps a
looming killer in the bathroom
with a crimson soaked knife
as scared as i to move
about my dark dreams
trapped like me in the haunting
sounds that fill the air
--
an explosion of pink mist
outside through the reflection
of the mirror
and between the
tied curtains who dance back and forth
that leaves nothing the same forever
--
this is not the living nightmare
this is but the mind's reverie
the corners of my head are filled
with blue beeping lights that
drone on wonderfully
all through the night
and forevermore.

Velvet Dreams

he was standing in the shower
when he heard the music
music from nowhere
he laid face down in the bath tub
and wept
watching his tears fall like rain drops into the bath water
he screamed the names of his mother
and his father
he couldn't hear the music anymore
because of the water that beat
down into his ears
oppressively and all over his body
and let out a great fart that carried on
until he felt his soul had exited
through his ass hole
like a sledge hammer
leaving him gaping
and gasping for air

the hot water left his body drained
drained out on his velvet sheets
he left for his white white room
dried out on his velvet sheets
and just wanted to go home
but he couldn't go home
but there was no home
no home left for him
not anymore
just bones
just holes
just ash
& noise
from
the

music
from
nowhere.

The Family of Beautiful People

She kisses me and leaves at 3 a.m.
She takes a cab home
like a call girl between johns
trying to bridge the gaps of the night

It had been the day of the family brunch
She stuck me with them all
and threw up four walls

They used coarse language and laughed loudly
but they looked good and aged well
And look at me, i thought
And they did

One of them made a snide remark about my appearance
and i retreated to an upstairs bedroom
She hugged me and told me it was alright
She told me she loved me
and i wondered why she would

I lay in bed awake long after she’s gone
drinking wine
and reading pulp mystery novels
And i can’t shake the feeling that i just don’t belong
in this family of beautiful people.

Over the Underpass

Everything feels real
Over the underpass
Observing life as it is
And living life as it isn't

Sunbathers sprawled towels
On hot cracked concrete
Next to the train tracks
Unpretentious and underwhelmed

This corner is populated by
Cheese eaters & comic book readers
The world's philosophy scholars
Intellectuals dressed in earth tones

High-sprung weeds hide
Break time dishwashers smoking on
Graffiti-framed fire escapes under
The mid-day sun.

Almost Alone

Silence hung
like
spider webs
when we drove you home
with only
the faint splashes
from the scattered
puddles on the cratered
highway

You left without a word
and I waved you off
dismissively

Afterwards I stood in
the wet driveway
that glowed blue from
my neighbor's siding
and tried to
think of nothing
I listened to the hum of
the light above the door
and forgot you

And everything I own
is dissolving
Everyone I know
is becoming someone
I don't
And here I am
almost alone
waiting for the one
to say
stick with me
and I will carry you home.

Summer Rain

Summer rain
falls on Matthew Modine
walking in the park

Troublesome behaviour
unwise choices
and a bad agent have
led him here
following hoof prints
that seem left
planted in the soil
for him to follow
deep into the woods

He climbs a pine tree
and sits perched
as if nesting
between two branches in
the middle of
the coarse needles
that jut out like hundreds
of chubby fingers

He stares at the setting
sun that once
seemed so near
but now appears
like the hungover memory
of a night before
hazy and distant and
unattainable

He lights a cigarette
and hangs upside down
resting his head on
a wavering bed of pine
that lightly pokes
presses and
caresses

(it may have looked
funny if you saw
it
but if you dug
deeper in the soil
you'd know
the truth)

The last of his dreams
have been washed away
by the summer rain.

Moments In and Out of Time

Sometimes i feel as if
my entire life
is merely thoughts
that consume the last moments
of a head severed
by guillotining

And pondering moments of
intoxication from the
past year
I find the names you call me
when you're drunk
are really quite endearing.

Paul's Room

Coltrane's black and grey syncopated rhythms
stretched across the white bricks, adrift
Unworn shoes sit in anticipation
while the crumbs and seeds migrate to the corners
I went to the doctor and she measured me
and poked holes in my body
Set me out to sea like coltrane
I'll bring you back beauty you can't resist.

Found in Sex

Drunk and hungover
you have sex
and it doesn't really matter
and you don't really care
and the bitch won't let you sleep
because she's fucking insatiable
I can come maybe twice
but that other time it just didn't stop
And i was just tired
and i wanted to say go away
And then you wake up
and she's still there
but now she's miserable
and so you start drinking again
because she's drinking
and you think
"if she's drinking my booze, i might as well be"
because there's nothing else to do.

This One Night

Eighteen
and full of love
but with nowhere
to put it
the crying girl on
the swings
has never been
more vulnerable
or more beautiful

She tells me she
still loves me
and i love her too
but not in the
way that i used to
She asks me why
my love went
away
and i don't know
I didn't notice
it slipping
but one day it was
gone

I let her in my blazer
and freeze
in my t-shirt
I walk her home
and hug her
and try to make
her laugh
and she
smiles
but only for
a moment

I want to fix her
tiny little heart
but i can’t
The walk without
her is colder
even with the
blazer

She said she
would never stop
loving me
and i don’t know
what would be more sad
if it was true
or the real truth:

That a thought
that desperately
romantic
cannot be true
and that her love
that is so alive now
and so passionate
and so gorgeously
unconditional
will soon fade and disappear
and become nothing

Thoughts like those
don’t even cast
a shadow.

The Football Brigade

Sarah asked you to consider
your composure at parties
You drink a little too much
and hit on the other wives
But that's okay she knows you love her

Sarah asked you if you
still loved her
as much as you used to
You smiled and looked down
and ground your teeth and said
"of course" and kissed her quietly
on the forehead

Sarah seemed a little down
at the reunion the other week
She saw all her friends from
high school
and asked them what they did
and smiled and nodded politely
and laughed in all the right places
and wondered how she got there
and wondered if she married the right
member of the football brigade.

Manifesto

I reject my own juvenilia
I put it behind me
I say 'enough' and put it
behind me
I decide to be my own agent
of change
I have found the books I hope
will inspire and guide me
But I will not steal
I will not take those feelings
that are not mine
and which are foreign to
my life and my understanding of it
and pass them off as my own
This is BULLSHIT
and I reject bullshit
I will not insult you
those kindly enough to indulge me
I will occasionally falter
this I promise
This being my pledge
Let us begin.